Well little things have been building up this year and last night really kicked off my anxiety.
Just as I was about to settle for sleep I began feeling breathless, body tingling and feeling nauseous. The night didn’t improve once I settled for sleep either, my throat tightened up and my brain was swimming with thoughts, I managed to drop off to sleep in the end, while wearing my pulse oximeter (it comforts and calms me when this is reading 98 or 99, not so much when it drops to 91), then woke with my stomach churning and bile in my throat.
Waking to this while wearing a ventilator of course makes the anxiety even worse, I managed to call my Mum and carer to turn me on my back before choking too much, the ventilator loves trying to blow anything that comes up from your stomach straight back down your windpipe! I stayed on my back a while, with the combination of tiredness and anxiety making me feel woozy and like passing out, I eventually managed to take an anti sick pill and once I felt safe enough got a couple of hours sleep on my side before needing to turn on my back again and sit the bed up. I spent the rest of the night dozing like this.
I haven’t felt this bad from stress in a while and spent today resting, my blood pressure was up a bit too but I guess that’s to be expected. Why did I get to this state? I suspect it’s a combination of things from this year building up combined with just being run down.
There’s the ongoing issues with my dream TV that I got after leaving hospital in 2017, my wheelchair has an issue where it cuts out randomly, which is fine as long as I’m not crossing a busy road and as long as the chair switches back on again! Mum’s knee operation had my anxiety high, it was minor surgery but general anaesthesia which is always a slight concern (on top of the normal worry she still has to do a lot of my care that agency carers aren’t safe with).
Then this week my electric bed broke down which led to 24 hours without any real drink, food or medication, I got very dehydrated and exhausted from this and would probably have ended up in hospital had it taken longer to fix, additional stress from that is having to write letters to PALS and CQC in the hope no one else ends up in a similar situation.
There’s probably many more things that have contributed, minor and not so minor but I already feel like I am complaining, really I’m just trying to explain how I feel though and I do know a lot of people have had a far worse start to 2019, including some close friends whom my heart breaks for.
I have a couple of busy weeks ahead with meetings and appointments so probably won’t get to rest much, maybe that will help occupy my brain though and reduce the other stress. I do have an album launch by my friend Verity to look forward too next week (lets hope there aren’t to many sickeningly happy couples around with it being Valentines weekend, and yes that may be jealousy talking) and then an exhibition with classmates at the begging of March, so there’s some good things coming up too.
And the last few weeks have had some pleasant moments too, despite not always feeling the best, like visiting Slimbridge on Monday and catching up with a good friend on Tuesday.