This morning was a reminder that you never fully get over anxiety and that it can sneak up anytime.
I had a training session with DROP on marketing in Gloucester, not a great distance, especially considering what I have been doing, and training doesn’t worry me at all, but on the way my anxiety started to build and my stomach churn, irrational thoughts started entering my head, “is the ventilator working properly?” “I’m not getting enough air” “I’m going to panic” “I could die”. I was very close to shouting out that I needed to go home (my safe place), but I knew that the second I spoke those words my body would see it as defeat and the panic attack would fully take over, my hearing would go, I’d break out in a cold sweat, my vision would start fading into tunnel vision…
I couldn’t face going through that again so I carried on, I got to training, the anxiety rising then falling, my stomach making noises I’m sure everyone could hear, I felt awful, I thought of asking my PA to change my mask to one that fits better, but again I suspected my body would see that as a sign of defeat “maybe I’ll put it on when the anxiety fades a little bit more”.
The anxiety kept at me for an hour or so during the meeting before finally giving up. I don’t know what triggered it, maybe because I have a slight stomach bug, maybe the little cough I have is me fighting off a cold, maybe I’m overtired, I won’t ever know, that’s the problem with anxiety it’s not always logical, but I’m okay again now and I won’t let it run my life.
Goodbye for now anxiety, I will see you again but you won’t ever completely win, those days are over.